There is some mystery ingredient in mashed potatoes that makes all ugly feelings float away on a cloud of whipped butter, sweet carbs, and fairy dust only to crash down back to earth two days later and promptly land on your ass. If you don’t believe me, just ask Oprah.
― Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, It’s Not Me, It’s You (via gowaltzing)
I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.
― Laurie Notaro, It Looked Different on the Model (via gowaltzing)
There’s really nothing creepier than going somewhere with one of your parents and having people think you are together, as a couple. Of lovers. Who do it. With each other. The only way to describe how this makes me feel is to say that it makes my vagina nauseous, if that’s even physically possible.
― i know i am, but what are you? - Samantha Bee